A 2004 University of Vermont study of “relatively happy, nondistressed couples” showed that couples who practiced mindfulness saw notable improvements on their degree of “relationship happiness”. In addition, they experienced improved and healthier amounts of “relationship stress, stress coping efficacy, and overall stress”. It is because mindfulness is really a conscious practice that fosters compassion for one’s self and for others.
We’re human; conflicts are unfortunately a a part of life’s journey. Within a love where two individual characters must compromise and collaborate together in constant close proximity, it’s natural that individuals won’t always see eye to eye together. Imagine this kind of instance, whenever your stress or negative emotions are triggered by something your partner says and does (and by your ensuing reaction).
Anger is an immediate response and bitterness may be the path; These emotions call forth reactions rather than principled responses. So many regrettable thoughts and actions take place in such moments. I once did a chat in the bookstore and noted that this phrase “Sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us” was inaccurate-thoughtless and cruel words can cause lasting damage, leaving emotional scars that fester long after brittle bones are already healed. There was clearly a songwriter inside the audience named Sarah Malcom; she subsequently wrote music entitled: “Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Can Break My Soul.”
As opposed to holding this negativity, you are able to consciously elect to behave differently. Let’s visualize it together. Picture yourself in this heated moment when you’re flooded with anger, resentment, and judgement. Suppose you are capable to feel and acknowledge those emotions without reacting destructively toward yourself or perhaps your partner?
Understand that you don’t must be physically or even verbally abusive being violent. Even thoughts can be destructive, especially because they’re inadvertently reflected in your attitudes and behaviors. For instance, you will become withdrawn and important during an argument when you’re thinking toxic thoughts. Another person’s negativity feeds off yours, and the other way around, and before you know it you’ve probably both said or done regrettable things.
Practice observing your brewing emotions and thoughts without getting distracted by them. And instead, have you thought to strike once the iron is cold? Let yourself cool off and funky off, and share how you feel and thoughts when you’re ready and they are effective at clarity and compassion.
You won’t regret it.
“Prejudice of any sort means that you might be identified with the thinking mind.
It means you don’t see the other person anymore, only your individual idea of that person. To reduce the aliveness of some other person into a concept is a form of violence.” -Ekhart Tolle
PRACTICE
Suppose that you are on a sailboat inside the ocean, and navigating these waves may be the length of life. Regardless of how you adjust the sails or gun the engine, you’ll inevitably be blown off track sometimes. Probably the most capable fishermen and sailors know that sometimes a very important thing you are able to do-or the thing you are able to do-is to only ride your storm. Allow feelings blow through you and then pass. Ride from the mental storm. It’s simply a cascade of chemicals, you know, determined by fear. These are just waves that wash over you.
Haven’t you noticed that it’s much easier to stay afloat once you relax one’s body rather than once you tense up and panic in the water?
Embrace the storms, then, on your own journey. Don’t resist them, but don’t allow yourself to drown within their drama either. Remain grounded with your mantras:
Storms always pass. You shouldn’t have to panic or fear.
Ride your storm. Feelings blow through me… feelings fly out of me…
Later I will analyze the storm. Now I want only observe it. Now I will hold on and survive.
Later, you will have the clarity of mind by sitting far better analyze the storm, and know what caused it. It’s also possible to uncover the lessons you learned by observing the storm: what feelings and resistance have you notice?
What helped you survive? How could you choose this transition easier in the future?
Utilize the storm being an chance to gain additional skills to temper your emotional upheavals. Above all, keep in mind that storms can be a a part of life, however you hold the capability to navigate the right path through them. You may always resume calm clear skies.
“Obstacles tend not to block the trail; these are the path.” -Anonymous
Dr. Linda Miles is an author and psychotherapist. Her latest book is Alter your Story, Alter your Brain available through Amazon or her website www.drlindamiles.com
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